So, they are predicting a snowstorm AGAIN for this weekend. Just for the record… I WILL GET TO THIS MEETING. I do not care what the weather decides to do, damn it!
Anyway, I am starting to feel a little numb over meeting BM. Every time I talk with the agency about her, they use the word “detached” to describe her. As any of you who know me are aware, I am about as far from “detached” as a person can get. I worry that I will overwhelm BM with my personality. So, now I feel like I have to filter my emotions with her. Tone myself down a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand her need to protect herself from the pain that she knows comes with relinquishing a child. I would too, if I were in her shoes. But at the same time, I really want and hope for a close relationship with this woman and her other children. Maybe I have to just let go of reaching for that goal and let it come if/when it will? Even then, how do I let her know how important that is to me without her feeling as though I am a needy-crazy-lady? I want to give her the space she needs, and still somehow reach out and let her know that we ache to be a source of love, support and understanding for her and her children. People say “Just let it go, worry about yourself and your family” and they are right. But, still these birth families are just that – FAMILY. Just the same as any other extended family is. They are aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings and birth Moms & Dads. Our family tree is just like yours, only we have many, many branches (and more than our share of nuts!).
Open adoption is something that we truly live, not just talk about. I know of plenty of “open” adoptions where the adoptive family walks the walk up until the adoption is finalized, then they just stop trying to include the birthfamily. It’s like something they had to do for a while, then they almost breathe a sigh of relief when they can finally stop. That makes me sad. Although, admittedly… I know the feeling. With our daughters birth Mom, I made (forced) myself to follow through with communication for the first few months. I kept telling myself “This is for the best, this is for the best…”. then, one day I realized that I wanted to talk to her BM. I wanted to see her and spend time with her and support her. I realized that I loved her! Not only because she is the woman who gave me a family, not because I owe her something, but because I love her, just as she is (crazy, immature behavior and all). She is a wonderful addition to my life as well as to our daughters’ and I treasure her every single day. I think a lot of adoptive families miss out on this wonderful opportunity purely out of fear. Fear that the child will love the BF more, fear of negative influences caused by some BP’s choices, fear of scheduling ANOTHER person into their already busy lives, fear of “too much” contact and fear of the negative reactions others sometimes have regarding open adoptions. Well, I tell you this… YES, it is hard. Everyday. But nobody ever said parenting would be easy, did they? These BF’s are a treasure and should be valued as all other family members are. There is no such thing as too many people to love.
As I read over this I realize that when I get on a rant about how wonderful open adoption is that I will scare this poor BM to death. Ugh! I just need to settle down and relax, Keep reminding myself that I don’t have to have all these conversations in this first meeting. There is time. There is time. There is time…