I don’t even know what to write. I just got a call from the agency. The birth Mom and birth Dad are having trouble communicating and want to do separate meetings with us. Birth Mom has cancelled for tomorrow and we will meet only with birth Dad and his sister instead. We will meet with birth Mom next Saturday.

I am feeling… I don’t even know what I am feeling. Is this a sign? TWO cancelled meetings in a row. What am I supposed to make of this? I have been terrified for three weeks straight, and now I have to go another week before I even meet her. And then another 14 weeks after that before the baby is due. How am I supposed to survive this? I am not strong enough. But, still I have no choice but to pretend to be strong enough. I have to do it for my daughter. I do not have the luxury of emotionally checking out. First and foremost, I am a mother and just because I am completely freaked out about the process of adding another child to our family, I must not forget to do my job the best I can for the child we already have in our lives.

I would really like to write more, but at the moment I am all a jumble and am in serious need of a glass (or ten) of wine.

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